Gradual Growth for Beginners

Gradual Growth for Beginners

Rabbi Y. Oliver

How does one go about teaching Jews coming from an assimilated background how to adopt Torah observance? It involves understanding where they are coming from.

For them (especially if they are older), even a small change from their regular schedule of observance usually requires a tremendous internal effort. Thus, demanding that they take on everything at once, or even many things at once, or even several things at once, may be so overwhelming that they will end up doing nothing, as the Gemara states, “One who grabs too much ends up with nothing”.[1] This could mean that they will not listen in the first place, or it could mean that they will listen and do as expected, but will over time come to feel resentful, and that the change in their lifestyle was forced.

Thus, often it is only appropriate to encourage beginners to take upon themselves one solitary Mitzvah. Once they have done that Mitzvah for a while, and feel comfortable doing it, then they can take on another, until they feel comfortable doing that one, and so on.

Thus, those who are in the position of teaching beginners to Torah observance should guide their students slowly, step by step, instructing the student to focus on bolstering their observance of the specific Mitzvah in which he or she has chosen to grow, and not to jump ahead.

On the other hand, the teacher must avoid any words or actions that could be construed as endorsement of non-observance.  Instead, the teacher must make it clear that the changes that the newcomer has adopted are not the end of the journey, but only the beginning.

This is comparable to teaching a child Alef beis. First one teaches an alef, then a beis, and so on. During this process one does not tell the child that an alef is the only letter there is to know, or the only one worth knowing. Rather, one tells him that today an alef will suffice as a beginning, since one can’t learn everything at once; however, with time he will learn more and more letters, until he will master them all. Then, he will learn to combine different letters into words, and he will learn different words, and ideas in Torah, until he will become, with the help of Hashem, an accomplished great Torah scholar.

When one starts with teaching a child an alef, in no way does this constitute compromise. On the contrary, this is the proper way to learn—to start from the beginning, and advance from step to step.

The same principle holds when teaching the Alef beis of Yiddishkeit. One should encourage the beginner to take upon himself one Mitzvah and continue observing it until he feels comfortable with it. Only then should he take upon himself another, additional Mitzvah, until he feels comfortable with that Mitzvah, and so on. Since “One Mitzvah brings another in its wake,”[2] he will ultimately come to full observance, with the help of Hashem and the support of his teacher and, when possible, of his family and community.

Although this approach seems logical and should be altogether simple and straightforward, it is not intuitively clear for someone who has been raised frum, for he has been trained from early childhood to fulfill all the Mitzvos without compromise. 

Certainly once he has reached Bar or Bas Mitzvah, he is told to keep the entire Shulchan Aruch, whether he feels comfortable doing so or not. The idea of consciously choosing to keep one Mitzvah and not others, even temporarily, runs against his grain (and this is the way he should feel). Thus, when teaching the beginner, the teacher raised frum must make a conscious effort to adjust to the vastly different circumstances of his pupil.

Adapted from Likkutei Sichos, Vol. 33, pp. 145-148.

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[1] Rosh Hashanah 4a.

[2] Avos 4:2.

Careful Love

Rabbi Yehoishophot Oliver

In the Chabad world we talk so much about the importance of loving our fellow Jew, every Jew, that sometimes we forget that there are limits.

The Previous Rebbe writes:

We should invest as much energy as we can to have a positive impact on a Jew and revive his inner self. This should be accomplished by drawing him close. However, one should remember that this closeness requires great caution, so that one does not befriend him too much. For just as one influences the other person, so does the other person exert influence on him.

There are several levels [of influence that the other person exerts]. At first one feels pity for the other person, and this leads to finding a limmud zechus [an attempt to judge favorably someone who appears to be acting unconscionably]. So it should be; one should find a limmud zechus for the other person’s actions. However, the other person should not know about it. Rather, one should do so in private. One should weep profusely and recite a chapter of Tehillim [Psalms] for him, and beg Hashem to have mercy on him.

This is the meaning of love for one’s fellow Jew: Every Jew should do [what is necessary to help] his good friend, but be careful not to become overly close with him until, with Hashem’s help, the other person reaches a good, upright level, such that it is appropriate to befriend him.

Likkutei Dibburim, Vol. 1, pp. 11-12.

In my own words: Although one should love every Jew ad mitzui hanefesh (“to the very core of life itself”—HaYom Yom 18 Av), this means that one should assist him, do him favors, and truly feel a deep bond with him as one’s brother and sister. However, it does not mean that it is appropriate to befriend every Jew equally. A truly close relationship is always two-way, with each member of the relationship having an impact on the other. Thus, if another Jew behaves inappropriately, one should keep a distance from him, because one is liable to be influenced.

Yet this does not mean that one may not have any contact with the one who is unfit for a close friendship; on the contrary, one should relate to every Jew with warmth and affection. However, one should be careful not to come close to him as one does to a friend who is one’s equal, for then one is susceptible to being adversely affected.[1] Also, one expresses love for the Jew whom one fears may negatively influence him by pleading Hashem to have mercy on him and help guide him to Teshuvah (on this topic, see here). This is the true way to express love for this Jew.

Exactly how one puts this into practice needs to be determined in each case individually.

Comments:

1. The reason that one should not tell the other person of one’s limmud zechus on him or her seems clearly to be that he may regard it as an endorsement of his inappropriate behavior (on this topic, see here). However, when speaking to others, and to Hashem, one should seek a limmud zechus for that person’s behavior.

2. This teaching conforms with the general principle taught in Chassidus that each middah (character trait) in Kedushah, holiness, always involves a balance with its opposite. Thus, Chessed, kindness, must be balanced and complemented by Gevurah, strictness (see here).

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[1] Cf. Mishneh Torah, Laws of Teshuvah, 4:24—
"והמתחבר לרשע, מפני שהוא לומד ממעשיו והן נרשמים בלבו הוא שאמר שלמה ורועה כסילים ירוע."

Unconditional Acceptance: A Delicate Balance

Unconditional Acceptance:

A Delicate Balance

Rabbi Y. Oliver

The Rebbe writes:

It is difficult to establish rules concerning your question whether to deliver a speech at [political] party meetings or for groups that are not G–d-fearing. 

On the one hand, it is proper to use every opportunity to influence diverse groups of our Jewish brethren, to draw them close to Judaism, Torah and Mitzvos.

On the other hand, one must exercise caution to ensure that one’s participation in their gathering not be interpreted as a form of endorsement of their views, or at least of their activities.

Practically speaking, you should make a point of negating the last concern, and lecturing in any place that is fit to sow a seed of Judaism and fear of Heaven. Most of the time this sowing leads to growth, whether on the spot, or at least at some later point in time.

Igros Kodesh, Vol. 4, p. 199.

The suggestion that you teach in a school with mixed classes and the like does not seem correct to me, for this lends endorsement [to such conduct].

Ibid., Vol. 18, pp. 10-11.

Spreading Yiddishkeit involves maintaining a delicate balance. Obviously, one should seek out every possible opportunity to exert influence on as many fellow Jews as possible, and in order for the listener to accept one’s message, one needs to be tolerant, compassionate, and even unconditionally accepting of him.

Nevertheless, one should ensure that the listener does not walk away with the impression that one’s accepting approach on a personal level also entails tacit acceptance and endorsement of his or her inappropriate behavior. How to make this point, however, depends upon the situation.

First and foremost, one should be mindful of the inherent need to project a clear moral standard and to prevent one's actions or words from being construed as being permissive. Then one can figure out how to go about doing so in one’s individual circumstances, or consult with a mashpia for assistance.